May 30-Wed. Tropical Depression outside. Lots of rain and wind.
It's that awkward stage (13 weeks) between looking pregnant and just looking fat. I have never been one to really care or worry about what my weight is or what my tummy looks like...the one time in my life when I did, after my second child was already a year old and I still had most of the pregnancy smoosh, I started kickboxing and working out to get toned up. Here's the rub: I feel that way right now and I can't workout or do crunches. I can't tone up or slim down. I'm pregnant and starting to show, but for now, I just look like I've gained weight and there's nothing I can do about it.
It shouldn't matter to me. I shouldn't care. I should just be happy and thrilled to be carrying a child. Yet again, I find myself wanting to skip a few weeks forward until I'm obviously pregnant. What is it with me and wanting to skip forward? I waited and waited to be pregnant and now I'm finding that I just want to skip through the first five months--not really savoring the moment, is it?
While meditating, I've discovered this is a larger pattern in human life in general. Kids want to be older. College students count down to graduation. Workers count down until retirement. We anxiously await vacation, summer, holidays, the upcoming move, wanting to even skip weeks at a time, just to get to another milestone, which will invariably turn into another count down.
It ends here. This is where I am and today will be the day that I stop counting down and start embracing. Today I am starting to show, looking kinda bloated and fat, and I'm going to stand in front of the mirror and take a picture. I'm going to fix my hair, put on an outfit that I like, and embrace my image. I am turning into the full mother again, but for now, I hold within me a baby the size of a peach, a uterus the size of a grapefruit, and because of it, I am beautiful.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Trust
Friday, May 18. Still rainy and dreary--5 days now.
It's a good thing I'm not a worry wart or a hypochondriac. There are enough twinges, cramps, pulls, and aches in pregnancy to keep a woman worrying about everything all the time.
Instead, I've had an inexplicable peace, a very relaxed go-with-the-flow, everything is going to be fine attitude. Pregnancy is natural, birth is natural, and even if something did go wrong with the pregnancy, at this point there's absolutely nothing I could do about it anyway. So I'm just chillin' back and enjoying the ride.
There's only two options: trust and worry. I choose Trust.
I think I'll be ready to fully commit my heart, emotions, and self much later in the pregnancy...it's coming, I'm sure, but for now it's just too early. However, at least when I feel the twinges and the cramps, I'm able to breathe, relax, and know that it's all normal and everything is fine.
It's a good thing I'm not a worry wart or a hypochondriac. There are enough twinges, cramps, pulls, and aches in pregnancy to keep a woman worrying about everything all the time.
Instead, I've had an inexplicable peace, a very relaxed go-with-the-flow, everything is going to be fine attitude. Pregnancy is natural, birth is natural, and even if something did go wrong with the pregnancy, at this point there's absolutely nothing I could do about it anyway. So I'm just chillin' back and enjoying the ride.
There's only two options: trust and worry. I choose Trust.
I think I'll be ready to fully commit my heart, emotions, and self much later in the pregnancy...it's coming, I'm sure, but for now it's just too early. However, at least when I feel the twinges and the cramps, I'm able to breathe, relax, and know that it's all normal and everything is fine.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Big Brother and Big Sister
May 17-dreary, last day of auditions at the high school
My dear sweet children were finally told last night that mama's pregnant and going to have a baby. Boy child was over the moon, really grasping what it means that we're going to have a baby brother or sister. He's thrilled, elated, and overall super stoked. Girl child doesn't really understand but she's super excited to help pick out names, like Helepsipa, Limma, and Beana (for boys).
I never realized how much I would enjoy sharing it with them, although I should have. These two kidlets are so important to me and I spend so much time with them, I should have known that their expressions and joy about the baby would make it even more enjoyable for me. When I was pregnant with #2, #1 wasn't old enough to truly understand...he was all of 2.5 when he became a big brother. We were doing good not to have him smoosh her head and hit her with blocks. This time around, both of them will be old enough to feel the baby move, be there right after the baby is born, get excited about names, outfits, etc. And yes, old enough to fetch me a diaper so I don't have to go searching during a blow out ;)
It really feels more like "we" are having a baby...as a family. I may be the one to carry it, but it will be their sibling, too. The added layer of complexity and interconnectedness, bringing forth another child, but also adding to the kid ranks, was an unexpected blossom of awesomeness.
Brigid's sentiments: Allow yourself to enjoy. Embrace the smiles and laughter of your children, know that you'll have to help them when they're upset about the new baby, but also know that their lives will be richer for the experience and the addition.
My dear sweet children were finally told last night that mama's pregnant and going to have a baby. Boy child was over the moon, really grasping what it means that we're going to have a baby brother or sister. He's thrilled, elated, and overall super stoked. Girl child doesn't really understand but she's super excited to help pick out names, like Helepsipa, Limma, and Beana (for boys).
I never realized how much I would enjoy sharing it with them, although I should have. These two kidlets are so important to me and I spend so much time with them, I should have known that their expressions and joy about the baby would make it even more enjoyable for me. When I was pregnant with #2, #1 wasn't old enough to truly understand...he was all of 2.5 when he became a big brother. We were doing good not to have him smoosh her head and hit her with blocks. This time around, both of them will be old enough to feel the baby move, be there right after the baby is born, get excited about names, outfits, etc. And yes, old enough to fetch me a diaper so I don't have to go searching during a blow out ;)
It really feels more like "we" are having a baby...as a family. I may be the one to carry it, but it will be their sibling, too. The added layer of complexity and interconnectedness, bringing forth another child, but also adding to the kid ranks, was an unexpected blossom of awesomeness.
Brigid's sentiments: Allow yourself to enjoy. Embrace the smiles and laughter of your children, know that you'll have to help them when they're upset about the new baby, but also know that their lives will be richer for the experience and the addition.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sharing the News
Tuesday, May 15, Sunny then stormy then sunny then stormy
I shared my news of pregnancy this weekend. Finally, after two and a half months, I got to see faces light up, people smiling and happy for us, sharing our joy. It was amazing and fun and I felt very, very special and loved.
I've always liked spreading good news, coming up with ideas that people like. It's like a spike to my "approval" junkie system. They like me! They want me to be happy! They're happy right along beside me! I had my few months of contemplation, quiet, and early pregnancy. It sucked and I'm glad it's over. I'm so much happier being an extrovert, interacting with others, sharing jokes, love, joy, and friendship.
Thank you all for making my announcement special and important.
Now I get to all the fun of being pregnant, instead of just being an airheaded lazybutt that's gaining weight ;)
I shared my news of pregnancy this weekend. Finally, after two and a half months, I got to see faces light up, people smiling and happy for us, sharing our joy. It was amazing and fun and I felt very, very special and loved.
I've always liked spreading good news, coming up with ideas that people like. It's like a spike to my "approval" junkie system. They like me! They want me to be happy! They're happy right along beside me! I had my few months of contemplation, quiet, and early pregnancy. It sucked and I'm glad it's over. I'm so much happier being an extrovert, interacting with others, sharing jokes, love, joy, and friendship.
Thank you all for making my announcement special and important.
Now I get to all the fun of being pregnant, instead of just being an airheaded lazybutt that's gaining weight ;)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Quickening
May 8-sunny, breezy, weather perfection
Finally, the nausea won. Twice. Also, the exhaustion and lackadaisical self is also winning. Motivation=0. But enough of that.
I felt the baby move two days ago. At 9 weeks five days, it should be impossible. The earliest I've heard of people feeling movement is 11 weeks, which is still early. But it was unmistakable after already having two kids, both of which I felt early as well. Since then, I've felt movement a few more times, never for more than about 45 seconds.
Certainly, there is magick in Quickening. In *feeling* that baby's first recognizable thumps and wiggles. Those feet that will eventually kick soccer balls letting mama know for the first time that there is absolutely life within her, stirring and developing. From what I read, the fetus's brain isn't really connected to intentional movement at this point; it's mostly neurological impulses setting up their pathways and testing them out. I'm okay with that...I mean, it's better than thinking baby's first instincts are to kick the hell out of me ;)
It was amazing to lay on the bed at 1am, feeling the little bumps, waiting on the next one, wishing it would continue for longer. Then the next night, willing the little thing to start thumping around, only to fall asleep having felt nothing, knowing there will be a time when I'll feel them every night.
I think *this* is what I've been waiting for. Sure it's fantastic to get to tell everyone, to get the baby bump, to not just look pudgy. But really, those first feelings that I'm not going to miscarry, that this baby really is in there and will be a part of our family soon, come with Quickening. It's when I, as carrier of this life within me, feel a response from the other part of this amazing bond.
Amazing what a few tiny thumps can do.
Finally, the nausea won. Twice. Also, the exhaustion and lackadaisical self is also winning. Motivation=0. But enough of that.
I felt the baby move two days ago. At 9 weeks five days, it should be impossible. The earliest I've heard of people feeling movement is 11 weeks, which is still early. But it was unmistakable after already having two kids, both of which I felt early as well. Since then, I've felt movement a few more times, never for more than about 45 seconds.
Certainly, there is magick in Quickening. In *feeling* that baby's first recognizable thumps and wiggles. Those feet that will eventually kick soccer balls letting mama know for the first time that there is absolutely life within her, stirring and developing. From what I read, the fetus's brain isn't really connected to intentional movement at this point; it's mostly neurological impulses setting up their pathways and testing them out. I'm okay with that...I mean, it's better than thinking baby's first instincts are to kick the hell out of me ;)
It was amazing to lay on the bed at 1am, feeling the little bumps, waiting on the next one, wishing it would continue for longer. Then the next night, willing the little thing to start thumping around, only to fall asleep having felt nothing, knowing there will be a time when I'll feel them every night.
I think *this* is what I've been waiting for. Sure it's fantastic to get to tell everyone, to get the baby bump, to not just look pudgy. But really, those first feelings that I'm not going to miscarry, that this baby really is in there and will be a part of our family soon, come with Quickening. It's when I, as carrier of this life within me, feel a response from the other part of this amazing bond.
Amazing what a few tiny thumps can do.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
A few hours of normalcy
Wed, May 2, beautiful outside
Last night, around 8pm, I walked outside to greet my parents and let the kids give good night kisses. With delightful shock, I felt *normal*. I didn't feel like I was in a haze, or like something was pressing on my insides, no nausea...I felt like moving and being and dancing with my kids.
Today, I felt sick all morning, but for about 3 glorious hours this afternoon, I felt like cleaning and playing, which is so much more how I *like* to be. It makes me happy to be bustling about, watching my kids laugh, while wiping a counter or a dirty face. It's amazing how quickly you can forget what normal feels like when you don't experience it for a while. For 3 weeks now, I haven't felt like standing, much less cleaning or tidying anything and I began to think that I really was just lazy and a slob. I imagine that's what depression does, or alcoholism, or sickness, or any number of things that stays and drains somebody for weeks on end without stop. It becomes a new normal.
It's now time to cook dinner and my window of normalcy has passed. I feel queasy again and dread cooking, and even more, eating.
Which brings me to the second human attribute that supersedes all others: hope. With just a few hours of not being sick to my stomach, I'm already hoping that this was a sign that the worst of pregnancy sickness has passed and is a window into what's to come. Namely, more and more hours of not feeling like this.
Brigid's advice (as I tend her flame today): Take advantage of the hours when you feel good, work hard and play hard while you can, because you may not be willing or able to do it later.
Last night, around 8pm, I walked outside to greet my parents and let the kids give good night kisses. With delightful shock, I felt *normal*. I didn't feel like I was in a haze, or like something was pressing on my insides, no nausea...I felt like moving and being and dancing with my kids.
Today, I felt sick all morning, but for about 3 glorious hours this afternoon, I felt like cleaning and playing, which is so much more how I *like* to be. It makes me happy to be bustling about, watching my kids laugh, while wiping a counter or a dirty face. It's amazing how quickly you can forget what normal feels like when you don't experience it for a while. For 3 weeks now, I haven't felt like standing, much less cleaning or tidying anything and I began to think that I really was just lazy and a slob. I imagine that's what depression does, or alcoholism, or sickness, or any number of things that stays and drains somebody for weeks on end without stop. It becomes a new normal.
It's now time to cook dinner and my window of normalcy has passed. I feel queasy again and dread cooking, and even more, eating.
Which brings me to the second human attribute that supersedes all others: hope. With just a few hours of not being sick to my stomach, I'm already hoping that this was a sign that the worst of pregnancy sickness has passed and is a window into what's to come. Namely, more and more hours of not feeling like this.
Brigid's advice (as I tend her flame today): Take advantage of the hours when you feel good, work hard and play hard while you can, because you may not be willing or able to do it later.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Cruel Twist
Tuesday-Beltane, sunny, 80 deg, bowling/commissary day
I think Nature had a cruel sense of humor when it came to 1st trimester. Make the woman as tired as absolutely possible, then make her adverse to the smell/taste of coffee, and then sit back and watch.
I'm practically falling over, yawning, droopy-eyed, and I can't seem to get down a lick of caffeine. Oh Caffeina! My wonderous Lady! How I miss your presence and your energetic blessings! How I...wish...for...zzzz...
That's all. My eyes are refusing to stay open... -.-
I think Nature had a cruel sense of humor when it came to 1st trimester. Make the woman as tired as absolutely possible, then make her adverse to the smell/taste of coffee, and then sit back and watch.
I'm practically falling over, yawning, droopy-eyed, and I can't seem to get down a lick of caffeine. Oh Caffeina! My wonderous Lady! How I miss your presence and your energetic blessings! How I...wish...for...zzzz...
That's all. My eyes are refusing to stay open... -.-
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