Feeling the Shift

Tuesday, chilly, enjoying the fall weather/apples/fireplaces/cocoa

Last night, I felt the shift occur. The big huge mental shift from "yippee, being pregnant, growing a baby" to a sudden, almost shocking panicked realization of "OMG! I have only a few weeks left!!!"

It happened as I was enjoying a relaxing bath, thinking about what's coming up, holidays, festivals, and paydays, the midwife's home visit...good stuff, ya know? Floaty, chill, musings. A small jolt at realizing that car insurance is due next month on the 19th, and that's only in 2.5 weeks and then HOLY CRAP! I'm due 2.5 weeks after that! Instant electric shock to the psyche. Everything went from relaxed to panic in a nanosecond.

Today has been incredibly different from every other day in this pregnancy. All thoughts that have floated across my brain have been prefaced with "how close is this to 5 weeks from now?" Or random thoughts about the 6 week bleeding after (and the ban on sex) and that I have less than that to go.

I'm going to have a newborn.
I need to get everything together.
The crib is still in the garage.
Why the hell is the midwife's number not on a sticky note?
The LIST of stuff to get together! GAH!

Here I've been, chillin', drinking cocoa and cross-stitching and out of nowhere nesting came and hit my ass off of the couch with a broom. The time has come. The time is now. Thanks, Marvin K. Mooney, I got the hint.

Better go check the date on that infant car seat, like I've been saying I'm gonna do.

What is my umbilical cord today?

My husband did a recent post on his blog, http://witchingpath.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-center-of-devotion-home-altar.html, which got me thinking about our mental attachments throughout the day. I'm going in a totally different direction than his, but it did spark the original thought.

Here's what I've learned to be true and right with me:

• When the kids are little (read=toddler age and younger), I'm hyper-connected to them. Like there's a psychic/emotional/mental (I'm going to call this PEM) connection to them. I don't like them being far away and would feel extremely anxious if I wasn't near them for a period of time.
• Whatever I do first in the morning sets up my PEM umbilical cord. If I'm concerned with getting housework done, schooling the kids, devotionals, paying bills, XYZ that's important and coming up soon, it's where my awareness comes back to repeatedly. It can cause anxiousness, but it's also very important to actually getting the important stuff done.
• (don't read if you love your morning facebook addiction) When I get on FB in the morning, or blog, or post on social media in any way, it creates a tether. It sets my own PEM umbilical cord that *pings* me every few minutes. 

Here's the kicker...I'm finding them to be exactly the same. My tether to my altar and my devotionals. My tether to my kids and my awareness on them. My tether to "checking facebook." My tether to the list of what needs to be done. I can choose them or they can *ping* me against my will, but they're all powerful.

And further adding to that, there is one ring to rule them all. When I get into the mode I'm in right now...writing a blog, highly concentrated, all the rest get pushed to the side and even *irritate* me by their existence. No kids, I don't want to hear that you're hungry. I'm working on something that's SO IMPORTANT!

Holy crap.

I'll hit publish on this, go to do my housework and stuff, and I promise you that I'm going to be hyper-aware of the computer for the next few hours. *headshake* It's an amazing survival instinct for keeping our babies safe, a lifeline for the baby forming in my tummy, a great way to get every.thing.done.that.has.to.be.done.before.this.weekend. and so forth. But it is powerful and we create it more than we realize.

Where have you put your PEM umbilical cord today? Mine is, I'm ashamed to admit, linked into cyber-space today. I think a trip to the park, with the phone left in the car, is in order. If I can create this link, I also have the power to diminish its sphere of awareness within me. See ya on the flipside. I'm out for the day.

By Right of Blood

From the Mother flows into the Placenta
The DNA, the Code, all of history, lineage
Blue Eyes, Brown Hair, cool tricks of the tongue
Into the babe, nutrients, cells, Life

Through this, I Claim Blood Right
To enjoy the quirky way my son smiles
To bask in the sound of my daughter's laughter
To revel in the rolling of an elbow, of a child yet born

I Claim Blood Right
To the artistic and creative lineage of my Mother
To the philosophical and silly heritage of my Father
To the bond of blood, of Family

On back through the ages,
The Good and the Undesireable
I Claim it as my History, my Blood
My People and my Clans

Curtis, Martin, Kawa, Mann
And now Wood and Stevens
Marriages forged, names taken
Through it all runs the Blood

The Blood flows into the Placenta
Pulsing, nourishing the Code, Fertilized Egg
Passing on the DNA to the unborn
The Bond of Family and Blood

Indulging Selfishness (or Not)

Wed., cool'ish, lots of birds chirping outside.

I'm at 29 weeks today. Only 11 to go. Funny how what I was hurrying to race through, I'm now wondering how the time flew by.

Sure, I'm still eager to meet my little girl, to hold her, to get to know her, to love her. But there's just something about month 7 that makes you want to be pregnant forever (or at least in a time-suspension kind of way). I'm not uncomfortable, I get to feel every kick and wiggle, dreaming about what my butternut squash-sized baby is going to look like. And here's the kicker (see wut I did, thar?), I don't have to share her with anyone else right now.

Wait, what? That doesn't sound at all like me. I love sharing stories, info, thoughts, ideas.

I'm feeling a bit hermity about my baby. I know that in just 11 weeks, I'm going to have to share her with everyone. Grandparents, aunts, siblings, husbands. But for this short time, I'm indulging selfishness.

I'm a vessel, which grants me certain privileges.
I am a Mother, which creates a special bond.
I am a Spiritual Being, able to feel

Time is transient, time is now
In this moment, I choose to indulge selfishness
I choose to embrace this infinitely short time before she is shared with the world forever

Eleven more weeks. I'm sure that last week, I'll be bitching for this all to hurry up and be over...Mother Nature is kind of awesome like that.

Month 7 is my favorite for a reason. It's the most wonderful, transient, blessed time and I'm going to enjoy every last second of it. Perhaps that's not selfish at all. Are we not supposed to enjoy the wonderful gifts of our lives? If you don't see much of me in the next few weeks, it's because I'm preparing a nursery and embracing this amazing time that comes so very rarely in life.

A Swig of Felix Felicis

Sunday, Labor Day Weekend-sunny, warm, blue moon

For those that aren't Harry Potter fans (um...how do I know you, then?), Felix Felicis is a potion, called Liquid Luck, and it does exactly what you might guess. It makes you Lucky for a few hours, everything going your way; if you read more carefully, however, it mostly leaves Harry following his gut feeling and going with the flow rather than the "plan." After that, things go his way easily.

On occasion, I feel the same swirl of energy around me. Today, I was chillin' on the couch, almost finished with my embroidery project, when it just felt right to go to the craft store to get the next one, even though I'm not quite finished with this one. It also felt right to offer to go get beer and cheesecake for my dear husband since it's a cheat night from his diet *grin*.

Taking no kids with me and leaving my phone on vibrate, I set off with no rush and no intention other than going, seeing, getting some things. It felt like a perfect time to go with the flow, open myself up to what might be and just roll with it. Occasionally, I do this intentionally (I call it a "listening" day because I'm being actively passive rather than actively active)...sometimes it is fruitful, sometimes it bears no visible fruit, but it's always relaxing and enlightening. Today was probably the first impromptu "listening" that I've intentionally done just because it felt right.

Oh, you want to know what happened? Well, I found the embroidery project that I was looking for underneath four others on the wrong shelf  because I just happened to drift over to see some interesting rainbow yarn that I selected for the kids. Lucky I found it because there were none in the correct area. I found baskets for the baby's nursery in the perfect shade of pink and brown (at 40% off!) but was a little put out that they only had one of a particular kind when I would have preferred two. So then I wandered off to look at candles for my Brigid altar, and in the looking found the perfect twin for that basket, on a different aisle, tucked up underneath.

I found the perfect candle, lamenting a tad that it cost more than the cheaper, crappier ones, but knew it was the right one. Upon checkout the cashier missed it, so I went to the car without it, decided to go back for it and then she said "oh, well you walked all the way back for it, I have a 50% coupon off for it." So I got it for less than the cheap, crappy one. Sweet.

It's not all deals and tangible items. I could feel people's energies, sensing them the way some people see auras. There was one fella standing outside and I felt icky just walking toward him. Nothing I could place, exactly, but a feeling. Sure enough as I walk by he's telling another woman in a derogatory way, "she was just this black lady...so it's not like it mattered." Grrrrrrr. Yeah, dude. You suck. At least I was forewarned and avoided your eye contact.

The rest of the hour went on like this, finding just the perfect cupcakes for the kids and came home almost blissful. I was able to include my husband in this bliss with his beer and cheesecake ;)

Perhaps it was like Felix Felicis, Liquid Luck. Perhaps it was like the Secret, with the Universe conspiring for my well-being and I just happened to tap into it. Or maybe I was in a state of thankfulness and wonder, easily pleased and satisfied. It seems likely, to me at least, that since I was not on my own busy agenda, open to the possibilities, they presented themselves and I accepted their welcome. Next time you're out and about with no time constraints, maybe see where Felix leads you...

...And I got the first decorations for the Nursery in the right colors, sizes, numbers, and style for cheap. Liquid Luck, indeed :)

Physically Active, Mentally Relaxed

Wed., cloudy, warm, rainy--the kids started plastic canvas needlepoint yesterday

Believe it or not, I like having routines. Not schedules, but routines. Perhaps it makes sense that, because I consider myself a Hearth Keeper (some of you might prefer Earth or Kitchen Witch), I would see my morning/night routines as an active devotional. Much in the same way my husband says his prayers and lights his flames, speaking his words from his heart, I prepare the way for my family to have a clean, orderly, relaxed life. By spending just a few minutes doing the daily necessities of cleaning and planning, whether I feel like it or not, whether I want to or not, this simple act of devotion to my family and my hearth, creates immediate, daily magick for my family.

After three years of living this way, Brigid enlightened me to why it's important and even more why it is an act of love and devotion to myself, to my family, to my Deities, to the energies I want to attract and bring forth in our lives. I set the calm, peaceful, clear canvas so that my family, myself included, have the ability to paint whatever we would like on it, be it chaotic, fun, work, relaxing, whatever.

But what changed after three years? Why did something so difficult: keeping the damn dishes done every.single.day, washing all the clothes, the mountains and mountains of clothes, cooking yet. another. meal. become easier, more relaxed? Is it simply viewing it as an act of devotion? I think that's part of it, and a huge part at that. There's more to it, though, that has been eluding me even when the rest has come together.

It came easily, a whisper from Brigid, while folding some laundry. Physically Active, Mentally Relaxed. If I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and there's nothing else in the world that I can take care of rightnow so instead I can allow my mind to wander, relax, and just exist. I can complete the entire first half of my morning routine, all the crappy dishes and laundry stuff, in a sleep state, brain dead, not thinking it sucks, not thinking of anything really, except dream-state things. Once I start to wake up fully, if I'm doing a task, or listening to a kid read, or resting my hands on my belly to feel the baby move, it is completely acceptable, encouraged even, to not worry about the next task, to not stress over what is coming next or needs to be done, but just to take that moment and let my mind be relaxed. My hands are busy, but my mind gets a rest, to think idly, to not think, to wander, to meditate, to find stillness, to be in the moment.

"But there's so much to be done!" my brain starts shouting. I need to plan this, do that, get this done, etc. And therein lies the fallacy, the lie, the con of stress. With just a little routine, a little planning, no I do NOT need to worry about the next task. I know what the next task is because I've done it pretty much the same way, every day for three years. There's a freedom in that. A freedom to relax the mind and not worry because the dishes have been started, dinner has been planned, lesson plans are done, these are not things to stress over. Just complete this small task and if there's time, maybe another small task. Oh...that's the great thing about sticking with routines: Everything becomes a small task.

Well, except for those big tasks. But at least now I can look at those ahead of time and do them when I am ready and able. I can do just one a day. Or if I'm motivated, knock out four in one day. Or do no big tasks because I'm drinking tea and watching the birds. I'm also a thousand-fold more likely to respond without screaming when the cat knocks over a glass of water or listen more attentively to that story that my child wants to tell me. Why? Because the relaxation of the mind allows me to not freak out because I'm already stressing, instead rolling with the punches, taking care of things rather than reacting to stress.

In only 30 min. in the morning and 15 min. at night (and a few small things here and there), I am as free as a bird, mentally, to rest, enjoy, and be in the moment in my day. In small acts of devotion, morning and night, I become the Hearth Keeper, tending and nourishing the flame of my family and home. Allowing all of us to relax a bit and just flow with the day. They say "live in the moment" and "follow your bliss." My act of devotion, my purpose in life for this phase of my time here, is to set the stage so that my family and I are able to do just that. Mundane? Boring? Waste of my college education? Perhaps you might see it so. I see it as nothing less than the greatest achievement of my Motherhood career.

Addendum:

Morning routine:

• Get myself up, clean and dressed, teeth brushed, etc.
• Bring down a full armload of laundry and switch laundry over
• start coffee, start cooking if we're having a hot breakfast
• unload dishwasher (while cooking or not)
• have coffee and breakfast while "checking my stuff" (namely facebooking and email)
• Morning Brigid devotional while kids get dressed and brush teeth
• clear up breakfast, start with the school day

Night routine:

• All dishes in dishwasher
• laundry switched over, new load started?
• Kitchen tidied, living room tidied, pick up anything that goes upstairs on my way up
• Room tidied a bit, if needed
• Bed

Sunday:

• Lesson plans, school boxes (where all of their schoolwork is kept) prepared and ready
• meal plans, weekly schedule of events (including grocery shopping, major errands, etc.)
• Dear husband usually completes (and directs the kids in) some deeper cleaning on Sundays

Around the Wheel

Monday, dreary, rainy-first full week of school for the kids

An excerpt from my pregnancy journal:


We began trying for a baby at Imbolc and conceived at Ostara.
I'll carry you through Beltane, Litha, Lughnasadh, Mabon, and Samhain.
You will be born right before Yule.

So I conceived in late spring,
Carried you through summer, late summer, and fall.
We'll welcome you and snuggle you through the winter.

And you'll learn to sit up with the growing flowers,
perfect your crawling on the sand at the beach,
and walk on unsteady feet by the hearthfire.