Friday, sunny, breezy, warm. Black Cat Awareness Day
Have you ever felt like you were riding the moon? So super happy and excited, your energy positive and radiant? I sure hope you have, and often. But if you're human, you've also had to deal with extreme lows, disappointments, betrayals, hurts, and sadness. The question is: What do you do when one of each of these occurs within a short time frame? How do you reconcile smiling, beaming at the good, while simultaneously feeling like your heart is being ripped out of your chest?
You might think I have an advantage at this, since I'm a Gemini and we're kinda crazy like that, but unfortunately, I think it just makes me acutely (intellectually, not necessarily emotionally) aware of these in the moment, making it that much harder to sort through.
Yesterday, we saw the baby on the ultrasound and I was weeping with happiness, seeing the little mouth open and close, little fingers extending and rubbing his/her face. I was elated, in joy, heart fit to burst with love and amazement. I've never connected with a baby en utero like this, so seeing this child thumping, while feeling it at the same time, was nothing short of a true awestruck, nurturing, Mother moment for me.
Just a day later, today, I went to a funeral for a dear friend, a classmate from
kindergarten through high school, and even working together in college.
We've remained friends throughout the years and his funeral was very
difficult for me. I cried and felt like death itself, mourning the loss
of someone who was only 32, watching his weeping family, feeling the
loss deeply, as his shining light was felt radiating from another place,
but certainly not from that cold, hard casket in front of us.
My collision occurred as we're sitting in the church service, mourning the loss of my friend, while the baby starts thumping around inside me, reminding me of the beauty of yesterday. Two extreme emotions and energies at the same time, both strong and in-themselves should be felt and experienced with plenty of processing and having time to be felt. Yet here they both are, pulling me on a rollercoaster.
How many times have you felt "I shouldn't be happy right now, it's not right to be happy when all this crap is falling down around me?" but inside you know that this is celebration-worthy and on any other day, you'd be dancing a jig. Likewise, we've all sought solace and comfort during the rough times, and sometimes found more joy than we expected any chance of having.
The opposite is also difficult...to be flying high awesome, just to have bad news that jolts you to your core, rocking everything and anything to chaotic dumbfoundedness. You still want to enjoy the good, but just can't now.
It eventually feels like you're emotionally exhausted, tired, numb. That, right there, is where I am now. I have had three of these huge life-changing, majorly important things happen in the positive, and three catastrophic-feeling, crushing, heart-rending things in the negative. All in the last four days. Each would be enough in my life to stand on its own and give enough to think about by itself for days and weeks.
It's not just because I'm a Gemini. It's not just because I'm pregnant. It's just life and sometimes you ride the waves as a surfer would, sometimes you are caught in the undertow, holding on for dear life, and sometimes, you would rather get out of the ocean altogether, just to sit on the shore and watch from afar. I'm tired from all the swimming, the good and the bad. I'm ready to just sit this set out for a few days...my arms are tired from too much paddling.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
"I don't care how you get it out of me"
Friday, warm, sunny--finally got the Saturn all repaired and road-worthy
Last night, my aunt called me to "check up on me" and see how I was doing. She does this periodically and I'm grateful for it. We got to discussing my midwife choices, and surprisingly, she seemed to think that a homebirth with a midwife was a viable and safe (as far as birth goes) option. I'm thankful that her daughter, my cousin, seems to have influenced her knowledge and opinion in the matter. It also helps that my second child was born in the backseat of the car and my family knows I am "capable" because of it.
Over the course of the conversation, she was telling me about her birth experiences (which I welcome as my own mother isn't alive to tell me hers) and how traumatizing her first birth was--36 hours, ending in a cesarean that was poorly done, when they were still rather rare by today's norm.
She said that, when it came time for her second child's birth, the doctors told her she could try for another normal birth or opt for a repeat C-section and her response was "I don't care how you get it out of me, as long as I'm knocked out when you do it!"
... ...
My first reaction was a deep desire to hug her and wish that she had never been through something so painfully awful. And then I felt sad that there are many women, all over the country, who also feel that birth is nothing more than a means to an end, and if you can skip it entirely, then why the hell not? The number of Cesareans is now at about 1 in 3 in the US and 1 in 2 in China and still rising. Given that doctors are less likely to allow women to try to VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), combined with a pervasive ideology that women should just lay on the table and let the doctor (who knows best) tell her what her body is doing, it's no wonder we are starting to feel a backlash.
Women who have given birth naturally, powerfully, fully aware of their own bodies, are speaking out against the torrent of medicalized birth. "Of course, some women need Cesareans!" they shout, "but not all of them, not all of us!" Some of us would wish for every woman to experience the transformative, powerful, primal experience of natural birth, to feel they way the Mother felt as she brought into being from her own soul, her own Power.
When I was at the Christopher Penczak workshop, he started talking about how creating Magick is a lot like giving birth. We start with an idea, a desire, we act upon it, we draw the energies, form it, and after a lot of work, we send it out to do its purpose.
I began wondering about the reciprocal of this idea. Is giving birth a lot like Magick? Any woman who has done both will tell you with much head nodding and affirmation "YES!" I wonder what we are doing to our collective, and personal, psyche by taking the Magick out of birth. Will we discover in 20 years that our meddling in the affairs of Nature (on a whole and often without real need) has created a Magickal void? We know there are physical and psychological differences in a baby born by Cesarean and one born naturally, bacteria and hormones that are released only through the birth canal...wouldn't it stand to reason that Energetic changes also occur during this process, not only for the baby, but also for the Mother?
Any woman who has given birth naturally will tell you instinctively that the answer is definitely yes.
What saddens me is the number of women who are, and will continue, to dismiss this possibility completely, with no more than an "I don't care how you get it out of me." We should care. Mothers, daughters, Fathers, sons, Magicians, Witches, Shamans and everyone in between. Whether you've got kids or not, we should be advocating for a world that values natural birth, saving Cesareans for those rare, few times when they really are *needed* and I can assure you, it is much, much less than one out of every three births.
Last night, my aunt called me to "check up on me" and see how I was doing. She does this periodically and I'm grateful for it. We got to discussing my midwife choices, and surprisingly, she seemed to think that a homebirth with a midwife was a viable and safe (as far as birth goes) option. I'm thankful that her daughter, my cousin, seems to have influenced her knowledge and opinion in the matter. It also helps that my second child was born in the backseat of the car and my family knows I am "capable" because of it.
Over the course of the conversation, she was telling me about her birth experiences (which I welcome as my own mother isn't alive to tell me hers) and how traumatizing her first birth was--36 hours, ending in a cesarean that was poorly done, when they were still rather rare by today's norm.
She said that, when it came time for her second child's birth, the doctors told her she could try for another normal birth or opt for a repeat C-section and her response was "I don't care how you get it out of me, as long as I'm knocked out when you do it!"
... ...
My first reaction was a deep desire to hug her and wish that she had never been through something so painfully awful. And then I felt sad that there are many women, all over the country, who also feel that birth is nothing more than a means to an end, and if you can skip it entirely, then why the hell not? The number of Cesareans is now at about 1 in 3 in the US and 1 in 2 in China and still rising. Given that doctors are less likely to allow women to try to VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), combined with a pervasive ideology that women should just lay on the table and let the doctor (who knows best) tell her what her body is doing, it's no wonder we are starting to feel a backlash.
Women who have given birth naturally, powerfully, fully aware of their own bodies, are speaking out against the torrent of medicalized birth. "Of course, some women need Cesareans!" they shout, "but not all of them, not all of us!" Some of us would wish for every woman to experience the transformative, powerful, primal experience of natural birth, to feel they way the Mother felt as she brought into being from her own soul, her own Power.
When I was at the Christopher Penczak workshop, he started talking about how creating Magick is a lot like giving birth. We start with an idea, a desire, we act upon it, we draw the energies, form it, and after a lot of work, we send it out to do its purpose.
I began wondering about the reciprocal of this idea. Is giving birth a lot like Magick? Any woman who has done both will tell you with much head nodding and affirmation "YES!" I wonder what we are doing to our collective, and personal, psyche by taking the Magick out of birth. Will we discover in 20 years that our meddling in the affairs of Nature (on a whole and often without real need) has created a Magickal void? We know there are physical and psychological differences in a baby born by Cesarean and one born naturally, bacteria and hormones that are released only through the birth canal...wouldn't it stand to reason that Energetic changes also occur during this process, not only for the baby, but also for the Mother?
Any woman who has given birth naturally will tell you instinctively that the answer is definitely yes.
What saddens me is the number of women who are, and will continue, to dismiss this possibility completely, with no more than an "I don't care how you get it out of me." We should care. Mothers, daughters, Fathers, sons, Magicians, Witches, Shamans and everyone in between. Whether you've got kids or not, we should be advocating for a world that values natural birth, saving Cesareans for those rare, few times when they really are *needed* and I can assure you, it is much, much less than one out of every three births.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
When the Wisdom of the Elders isn't there
Wednesday, cloudy, kids swam under water for the first time yesterday and it was awesome
If you were looking for an uplifting blog, today isn't it. In fact, this one is rather heavy, even for my tastes. I understand if you skip it for something that's a bit more skittles and unicorns.
We choose our friends, we follow our bliss. We meditate and center, speak truth and surround ourselves with those that uplift us and help us along our path. With how spread out our communities and families have become, it's almost too easy to say "you don't serve my highest good." *snip* Person cut off, de-friended on facebook, oops I missed your call while I was looking straight at my phone and decided I really just don't want to talk to you.
So we surround ourselves with those that bring us closer to Divinity, those that we enjoy the laughs and the company, and if we have a falling-out, we know we'll patch it up and have a stronger relationship on the other side. Or we won't. And *snip*...or *drift*...we'll just eventually stop talking and go do our own separate things.
The exception to this is, of course: family.
I'm not talking about the crack-head mother that steals from you or the psycho aunt that you cut completely off, without second thought. No, much more subtle than that. I'm referring to the cousin that you don't like to talk to because their prejudice offends you, the aunt that can turn what you say back around on you and make you feel like shit, the family member that gossips like hell behind everyone's back, but sees it as her solemn duty to make sure that everyone in the family knows what's going on with everyone else--for the highest good of the family, naturally.
It's these people that are forever, chosen before birth, for whatever challenges your Highest Self thought you would need to learn. Or perhaps you were really just supposed to get that mother and father, but the aunt happened to come along with the package deal... I'm just speculating...
We're supposed to look to our Family Elders for advice, unconditional love, and support when needed. But what happens when you grow up and realize that you're a part of a family that's used in "Breaking the Cycle" videos in low-income high schools?
For me, it meant going off to college, changing my whole view of Deity and "religion," getting handfasted in a park without inviting anyone that I didn't want there, planning births with midwives, in short--life was hunky dory and I cut away that which did not serve me. I "broke" the cycle. I wasn't living with alcoholics, no one was fighting, I was rising out of the hate spiral of fundamentalism, I was creating the life that I wanted. I was following my bliss.
Funny thing happens when you start having kids. They need to see their family, the aunts start coming around to visit "the babies," you end up spending a hell of a lot more time with family, in addition to weddings, funerals, Christmas, and sickbeds. One of them moves close to you, or you to them, and then you see a hella lot more of them.
I see wisdom in my elders. I don't agree with how they raised their kids (myself included), I have a very different vision of parenthood, of enlightenment, of Life...but I acknowledge that there is wisdom in their years of experience. They have seen many things. However, after the passing of my grandfather, I don't see much Wisdom in my Elders (with some exceptions...my dad can really get my goat some times, but behind the joking, there is much Wisdom, if I'm lucky enough to understand his euphemisms and analogies. He reminds me of the dad in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with the fish analogies).
So the problem is: when do you include them in your Journey and when do you deny them access? When do you tell them that you'd like to plan a Sacred Homebirth, attended by a midwife, a spiritual counselor, a husband, and no one else? That, um, no I wasn't going to have a Baby Shower at all this time and instead I'm going to have a Belly Blessing that might make you more than a little uncomfortable...what with all the Goddess invoking and pregnant belly dancing. How do you have conversations about the amazing spiritual transformation you had when your daughter was born in the back seat of a car with no doctors, drugs, or even guidance...knowing that all you get in return is snide comments about how no one would be stupid enough to willingly fore-go the epidural.
I've been meditating on this for a long while and I had some clear ideas during the Christopher Penzcak workshop and I've been counseling with Brigid in my daily time with Her. The answer for me lies in the Fifth Word of the Witch: To Keep Silent. My Journey is my own, as is theirs. I can't pull them along their Path, no more than I would allow them to pull me off of mine. Nod, smile, have fun, shoot pool and go to the beach. But when the questions about "so are you gonna breastfeed this one after they've got a mouthful of teeth?" start, know that Your Path is Your Own and you have the right to Keep Silent. Center, ground, release, and maintain your Power.
If you were looking for an uplifting blog, today isn't it. In fact, this one is rather heavy, even for my tastes. I understand if you skip it for something that's a bit more skittles and unicorns.
We choose our friends, we follow our bliss. We meditate and center, speak truth and surround ourselves with those that uplift us and help us along our path. With how spread out our communities and families have become, it's almost too easy to say "you don't serve my highest good." *snip* Person cut off, de-friended on facebook, oops I missed your call while I was looking straight at my phone and decided I really just don't want to talk to you.
So we surround ourselves with those that bring us closer to Divinity, those that we enjoy the laughs and the company, and if we have a falling-out, we know we'll patch it up and have a stronger relationship on the other side. Or we won't. And *snip*...or *drift*...we'll just eventually stop talking and go do our own separate things.
The exception to this is, of course: family.
I'm not talking about the crack-head mother that steals from you or the psycho aunt that you cut completely off, without second thought. No, much more subtle than that. I'm referring to the cousin that you don't like to talk to because their prejudice offends you, the aunt that can turn what you say back around on you and make you feel like shit, the family member that gossips like hell behind everyone's back, but sees it as her solemn duty to make sure that everyone in the family knows what's going on with everyone else--for the highest good of the family, naturally.
It's these people that are forever, chosen before birth, for whatever challenges your Highest Self thought you would need to learn. Or perhaps you were really just supposed to get that mother and father, but the aunt happened to come along with the package deal... I'm just speculating...
We're supposed to look to our Family Elders for advice, unconditional love, and support when needed. But what happens when you grow up and realize that you're a part of a family that's used in "Breaking the Cycle" videos in low-income high schools?
For me, it meant going off to college, changing my whole view of Deity and "religion," getting handfasted in a park without inviting anyone that I didn't want there, planning births with midwives, in short--life was hunky dory and I cut away that which did not serve me. I "broke" the cycle. I wasn't living with alcoholics, no one was fighting, I was rising out of the hate spiral of fundamentalism, I was creating the life that I wanted. I was following my bliss.
Funny thing happens when you start having kids. They need to see their family, the aunts start coming around to visit "the babies," you end up spending a hell of a lot more time with family, in addition to weddings, funerals, Christmas, and sickbeds. One of them moves close to you, or you to them, and then you see a hella lot more of them.
I see wisdom in my elders. I don't agree with how they raised their kids (myself included), I have a very different vision of parenthood, of enlightenment, of Life...but I acknowledge that there is wisdom in their years of experience. They have seen many things. However, after the passing of my grandfather, I don't see much Wisdom in my Elders (with some exceptions...my dad can really get my goat some times, but behind the joking, there is much Wisdom, if I'm lucky enough to understand his euphemisms and analogies. He reminds me of the dad in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with the fish analogies).
So the problem is: when do you include them in your Journey and when do you deny them access? When do you tell them that you'd like to plan a Sacred Homebirth, attended by a midwife, a spiritual counselor, a husband, and no one else? That, um, no I wasn't going to have a Baby Shower at all this time and instead I'm going to have a Belly Blessing that might make you more than a little uncomfortable...what with all the Goddess invoking and pregnant belly dancing. How do you have conversations about the amazing spiritual transformation you had when your daughter was born in the back seat of a car with no doctors, drugs, or even guidance...knowing that all you get in return is snide comments about how no one would be stupid enough to willingly fore-go the epidural.
I've been meditating on this for a long while and I had some clear ideas during the Christopher Penzcak workshop and I've been counseling with Brigid in my daily time with Her. The answer for me lies in the Fifth Word of the Witch: To Keep Silent. My Journey is my own, as is theirs. I can't pull them along their Path, no more than I would allow them to pull me off of mine. Nod, smile, have fun, shoot pool and go to the beach. But when the questions about "so are you gonna breastfeed this one after they've got a mouthful of teeth?" start, know that Your Path is Your Own and you have the right to Keep Silent. Center, ground, release, and maintain your Power.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Seeing pregnancy through Priestess glasses
Wednesday, cloudy, feeling mentally creative, physically inert.
The most amazing thing has happened in the last couple of weeks. The baby has started to respond to outside stimuli. This means two things: 1. I can't rest the sharp corner of my book on my tummy anymore. 2. Dear Hubby is going to be extra annoying poking, smooshing, and prodding my belly in hopes of feeling the baby move.
In all sincerity, it is a small price to pay for the amazingness that is feeling the baby jump when my ankle suddenly pops, feeling the roll to the right when my other children lay against my left, holding my hand on my belly so that I can feel the baby move from the inside *and* on the outside. This is my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. Laying for what feels like forever, with SM's hands on my belly, asking him "did you feel that one? How about that one? What do you mean 'no,' that one was super strong!"
I think this is also where not having a midwife or OB, yet, is to my advantage. Or perhaps is has to do with having a mostly-unassisted birth in the back of the car last time. Ever since then, I have been completely changed when it comes to feeling with my instinct/awareness. And there's no one "official" to tell me it's stupid or not real. What the hell am I talking about? Well...
I can usually tell you where in my body the baby is laying without touching with my hands to find out. How? I dunno. I just kinda stand there and sense for a moment and I can picture it in my third eye and almost invariably, if I use my hands to smoosh my tummy, I'm spot on. I can also sense when the baby is more "present," like his/her soul is more awake and aware of the body its in. Usually it's a few moments before the moving starts up, but not always. And the crazy part is: sometimes I feel that I'm calling to the baby's spirit, that part which is higher self, flitting in and out of the baby's body while en utero. The same way you would call to an ancestor or a deity. More often than not, within seconds, movement picks up, or I feel that sense of awareness right back at me.
Then there are long stretches where I don't feel anything really. I don't feel pregnant; I could just forget altogether if the stomach wasn't in the way when I go to sit up. In those times, I think the baby's soul is present, of course, but actively elsewhere...joined with its higher self, dreaming, even looking at our family, wondering just as we are...
It is a completely different pregnancy, when looked at from a Priestess perspective. Soon, very soon, SM and I are going to have a ritual of sorts, adapted from How to Uncover Your Past Lives, by Ted Andrews, where we are going to welcome and intentionalize (it's a word, now, lol) with the spirit of the baby that is within me. I'll let you know how it goes ;)
The most amazing thing has happened in the last couple of weeks. The baby has started to respond to outside stimuli. This means two things: 1. I can't rest the sharp corner of my book on my tummy anymore. 2. Dear Hubby is going to be extra annoying poking, smooshing, and prodding my belly in hopes of feeling the baby move.
In all sincerity, it is a small price to pay for the amazingness that is feeling the baby jump when my ankle suddenly pops, feeling the roll to the right when my other children lay against my left, holding my hand on my belly so that I can feel the baby move from the inside *and* on the outside. This is my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. Laying for what feels like forever, with SM's hands on my belly, asking him "did you feel that one? How about that one? What do you mean 'no,' that one was super strong!"
I think this is also where not having a midwife or OB, yet, is to my advantage. Or perhaps is has to do with having a mostly-unassisted birth in the back of the car last time. Ever since then, I have been completely changed when it comes to feeling with my instinct/awareness. And there's no one "official" to tell me it's stupid or not real. What the hell am I talking about? Well...
I can usually tell you where in my body the baby is laying without touching with my hands to find out. How? I dunno. I just kinda stand there and sense for a moment and I can picture it in my third eye and almost invariably, if I use my hands to smoosh my tummy, I'm spot on. I can also sense when the baby is more "present," like his/her soul is more awake and aware of the body its in. Usually it's a few moments before the moving starts up, but not always. And the crazy part is: sometimes I feel that I'm calling to the baby's spirit, that part which is higher self, flitting in and out of the baby's body while en utero. The same way you would call to an ancestor or a deity. More often than not, within seconds, movement picks up, or I feel that sense of awareness right back at me.
Then there are long stretches where I don't feel anything really. I don't feel pregnant; I could just forget altogether if the stomach wasn't in the way when I go to sit up. In those times, I think the baby's soul is present, of course, but actively elsewhere...joined with its higher self, dreaming, even looking at our family, wondering just as we are...
It is a completely different pregnancy, when looked at from a Priestess perspective. Soon, very soon, SM and I are going to have a ritual of sorts, adapted from How to Uncover Your Past Lives, by Ted Andrews, where we are going to welcome and intentionalize (it's a word, now, lol) with the spirit of the baby that is within me. I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
"But she said the wrong thing!"
Tues., Cool'ish, severe thunderstorm kept everyone awake last night
I took the kids to swim class today. Other than being rather cold after getting out of the water, the kids did well and enjoyed themselves. Right up until the last 2 min. when the chair A. was playing with squashed her little finger and cut into it a bit. The expected howling ensued and I was calming her (to good success) when a tween came over to try to help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking this kid for trying, but unfortunately, well...
Tween: Little girl, can I tell you a story?
A: um *hides face*
Tween: A few years ago I broke this wrist and it hurt so much, a lot more than just a little finger. You don't even have any blood. You're okay. You're going to have lots of things in life that are going to hurt worse than that.
A: NO! But this hurts so so so so bad!
Me: A, it's okay, yes, it hurts, this girl wants to try to help you feel better, too.
Tween leaves.
And now I get to try to help A sort through this strange thing that just happened. A keeps telling me "but she said the wrong thing! It does hurt! It's not just a little finger, it's *my* little finger and it got smooshded SO bad!" I helped her to understand that the tween meant well, and yes, your finger hurts so so bad and so did her wrist when it got broken, but she's all better now and your finger will be better soon...when we get home, we'll put some ice on it and a band-aid..."
It really got me thinking about the "one-ups" that we do and how much easier it would be just to affirm the person's pain, give comfort and assistance, than to deny that pain, to tell them they're "okay" (who the hell are we to say that?!!), and then to add insult to injury with the oh-so-common "but at least it's not this..." "I've had much worse than that..."
Why am I adding this to my Birthing blog? Because all too frequently, that's where the all in all line is drawn. I've heard it from men and women, from those who have never given birth and those who have birthed with and without pain meds. In our society, it is the ultimate "you ain't never had it *that* bad..." You know what's different about birthing pain? It is one of the very few pains that has a happy ending, a goal, a purpose that is good and wonderful and amazing.
No one with a cracked rib ever went home with anything other than some crappy meds and a paycheck's worth of doctor's bills.
If anything, let us cherish our birth stories and not use them to degrade and belittle the pain of others.
I took the kids to swim class today. Other than being rather cold after getting out of the water, the kids did well and enjoyed themselves. Right up until the last 2 min. when the chair A. was playing with squashed her little finger and cut into it a bit. The expected howling ensued and I was calming her (to good success) when a tween came over to try to help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking this kid for trying, but unfortunately, well...
Tween: Little girl, can I tell you a story?
A: um *hides face*
Tween: A few years ago I broke this wrist and it hurt so much, a lot more than just a little finger. You don't even have any blood. You're okay. You're going to have lots of things in life that are going to hurt worse than that.
A: NO! But this hurts so so so so bad!
Me: A, it's okay, yes, it hurts, this girl wants to try to help you feel better, too.
Tween leaves.
And now I get to try to help A sort through this strange thing that just happened. A keeps telling me "but she said the wrong thing! It does hurt! It's not just a little finger, it's *my* little finger and it got smooshded SO bad!" I helped her to understand that the tween meant well, and yes, your finger hurts so so bad and so did her wrist when it got broken, but she's all better now and your finger will be better soon...when we get home, we'll put some ice on it and a band-aid..."
It really got me thinking about the "one-ups" that we do and how much easier it would be just to affirm the person's pain, give comfort and assistance, than to deny that pain, to tell them they're "okay" (who the hell are we to say that?!!), and then to add insult to injury with the oh-so-common "but at least it's not this..." "I've had much worse than that..."
Why am I adding this to my Birthing blog? Because all too frequently, that's where the all in all line is drawn. I've heard it from men and women, from those who have never given birth and those who have birthed with and without pain meds. In our society, it is the ultimate "you ain't never had it *that* bad..." You know what's different about birthing pain? It is one of the very few pains that has a happy ending, a goal, a purpose that is good and wonderful and amazing.
No one with a cracked rib ever went home with anything other than some crappy meds and a paycheck's worth of doctor's bills.
If anything, let us cherish our birth stories and not use them to degrade and belittle the pain of others.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Need for Control
Wed.-- Summer Solstice, Gorgeous outside.
My brain has been spinning around this "control" thing for a few days. It seems to be that the longer we know someone, the more we finally see their "control" buttons. Some are more obvious than others: those in-your-face pushy and annoying people. But I think most people you have to get to know for a long while before you see what they really feel a need to have the ultimate say over.
Since I'm a Stay at Home Mom, I know these wo/men pretty well and have seen their control buttons. Try telling any parent, particularly those that build up their lives around their kids, that you're going to do something against their "philosophy." I mention this because there are women that are subservient to their husbands, show no need for any control over hardly anything, who meekly do everything, willingly, gracefully, and quite contentedly, that will bitch-slap their own mother if she tries to give the kids a cupcake with food coloring in it after the mom has said "no."
Other people are different. Some don't really feel the need to be involved in the small details of their kids' lives, yet are loving and caring parents. It's not something they feel the need to control for as many reasons as there are people in the world. There are others (parents and childfree) who may spend more time dictating their business lives, the cleanliness and details of their car, or their free time and their friends. For many, their religion is something they control. Anything someone is passionate about can become something that they are just. not. willing. to hand over to someone else. That is completely OKAY (you know, with some balance and harming none and that other stuff).
We all need anchors and strongholds. We need those identity ties and those parts of our lives where NO ONE in the world can tell us what we have to do and fuck them when they try. This is my house, my family, my car, my life, my _____.
So what happens when you can't control something that is a natural anchor for you? You feel a need for a well-organized, clean house, but you work so much that you're never home to do it, or are not making enough money to afford to even replace that nasty sofa that you hate. What happens when you can't control something that you've succeeded at for years? Like a teenager? Well, in the old days, disobedient kids had their ears boxed (gah!) and in the house of my pre-teen years, my mom would punch you in the stomach while drunk.
Which brings me to an answer. When people lose control over those anchors, when they feel life rushing past them with no means of securing their own identity, their own importance, their own self-worth, they get depressed, they drink, they fall to addictions, they try with varying degrees of success to gain that control back, sometimes by very drastic means.
I've felt very out of control of myself the last two weeks of pregnancy. I started to get pretty damn depressed and negative. The long list of "can't do" weighs over my head. One of my anchors is my adult autonomy and pregnancy bites deeply into that. Wanna know why I feel the need to get the hell out of town and go on family vacation every few years, with very little fore-warning or planning? Because I have to be able to. Wanna know why I dyed my hair blue last night? Because I have to be able to say "this is my body and my expression of self." And it looks pretty ;)
Control is fluid, an illusion. But to follow your bliss, you have to identify those areas and learn to live in harmony with them.
My brain has been spinning around this "control" thing for a few days. It seems to be that the longer we know someone, the more we finally see their "control" buttons. Some are more obvious than others: those in-your-face pushy and annoying people. But I think most people you have to get to know for a long while before you see what they really feel a need to have the ultimate say over.
Since I'm a Stay at Home Mom, I know these wo/men pretty well and have seen their control buttons. Try telling any parent, particularly those that build up their lives around their kids, that you're going to do something against their "philosophy." I mention this because there are women that are subservient to their husbands, show no need for any control over hardly anything, who meekly do everything, willingly, gracefully, and quite contentedly, that will bitch-slap their own mother if she tries to give the kids a cupcake with food coloring in it after the mom has said "no."
Other people are different. Some don't really feel the need to be involved in the small details of their kids' lives, yet are loving and caring parents. It's not something they feel the need to control for as many reasons as there are people in the world. There are others (parents and childfree) who may spend more time dictating their business lives, the cleanliness and details of their car, or their free time and their friends. For many, their religion is something they control. Anything someone is passionate about can become something that they are just. not. willing. to hand over to someone else. That is completely OKAY (you know, with some balance and harming none and that other stuff).
We all need anchors and strongholds. We need those identity ties and those parts of our lives where NO ONE in the world can tell us what we have to do and fuck them when they try. This is my house, my family, my car, my life, my _____.
So what happens when you can't control something that is a natural anchor for you? You feel a need for a well-organized, clean house, but you work so much that you're never home to do it, or are not making enough money to afford to even replace that nasty sofa that you hate. What happens when you can't control something that you've succeeded at for years? Like a teenager? Well, in the old days, disobedient kids had their ears boxed (gah!) and in the house of my pre-teen years, my mom would punch you in the stomach while drunk.
Which brings me to an answer. When people lose control over those anchors, when they feel life rushing past them with no means of securing their own identity, their own importance, their own self-worth, they get depressed, they drink, they fall to addictions, they try with varying degrees of success to gain that control back, sometimes by very drastic means.
I've felt very out of control of myself the last two weeks of pregnancy. I started to get pretty damn depressed and negative. The long list of "can't do" weighs over my head. One of my anchors is my adult autonomy and pregnancy bites deeply into that. Wanna know why I feel the need to get the hell out of town and go on family vacation every few years, with very little fore-warning or planning? Because I have to be able to. Wanna know why I dyed my hair blue last night? Because I have to be able to say "this is my body and my expression of self." And it looks pretty ;)
Control is fluid, an illusion. But to follow your bliss, you have to identify those areas and learn to live in harmony with them.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Treating People How You are Treated...
June 7--Warm, sunny, 2 days past Venus Transit
My birthday was 2 days ago. It was a fantastic, wonderful day and as usual, it brought tons of phone calls from family and friends. One of those in particular is a mixed blessing...
I have a male cousin that was difficult to like as a kid. He was a bully and liked to make fun of people, didn't care if he hurt them or made them cry, hit them in the head with hard objects, shot them in the ass with a BB gun. And still, I feel bad for bringing these instances up, like I'm a whiny brat just for saying what kind of kid he was. That's what happens when someone hurts you until you cry and then makes fun of you for crying. So, anyways, he's an adult now and he's chilled out a lot, and has even been helpful and nice to me when I visited. But some things don't change...he's got an opinion about everything and can be brutal in his "joking".
When he called me for my birthday, we got to talking about my pregnancy. He had a comment about "yeah, just make sure you know when to stop! [having kids]" (insert raucous laughter here) and then it hit me: If he can be sarcastic about how many kids we have, our choices regarding breastfeeding, birthing, discipline ideas, etc. then why should I give him a straight answer about anything? What gives him the right to an honest, caring answer from me, that reveals my heart and my desire, my soul and my emotions?
So I threw it right back at him.
"Just make sure you know when to stop!"
~"nah! We can't stop until we have at least 20."
"Don't have this one in the car...get yo ass to the hospital!"
~"Oh, come on! We wanted this one in the back yard with a sprinkler"
"Don't be like one of those (profanity) women that has a kid hanging off her tit. Like some broke (expletive) that can't afford to feed 'em real food."
~"Nah. I'm gonna feed them fried chicken while we're still in the hospital"
On and on and on...
Why should I open my heart to him? Care what he thinks about our plans? Just because he's family doesn't mean I have to include him or ask his opinion. I'm not going to agree with him or change my own plans anyway.
I'm beginning to think that it's completely fine to pick and choose who I want to be close to and who I most certainly don't. That doesn't mean I can't be nice to him or talk sometimes, even laugh and visit. We're just very different and I recognize that he's not someone I would choose as a friend. It's okay to prune away, guard yourself, put up an intentional wall, as long as you also know when to take down the wall, clear your aura, and be comfortable with being your true self.
My birthday was 2 days ago. It was a fantastic, wonderful day and as usual, it brought tons of phone calls from family and friends. One of those in particular is a mixed blessing...
I have a male cousin that was difficult to like as a kid. He was a bully and liked to make fun of people, didn't care if he hurt them or made them cry, hit them in the head with hard objects, shot them in the ass with a BB gun. And still, I feel bad for bringing these instances up, like I'm a whiny brat just for saying what kind of kid he was. That's what happens when someone hurts you until you cry and then makes fun of you for crying. So, anyways, he's an adult now and he's chilled out a lot, and has even been helpful and nice to me when I visited. But some things don't change...he's got an opinion about everything and can be brutal in his "joking".
When he called me for my birthday, we got to talking about my pregnancy. He had a comment about "yeah, just make sure you know when to stop! [having kids]" (insert raucous laughter here) and then it hit me: If he can be sarcastic about how many kids we have, our choices regarding breastfeeding, birthing, discipline ideas, etc. then why should I give him a straight answer about anything? What gives him the right to an honest, caring answer from me, that reveals my heart and my desire, my soul and my emotions?
So I threw it right back at him.
"Just make sure you know when to stop!"
~"nah! We can't stop until we have at least 20."
"Don't have this one in the car...get yo ass to the hospital!"
~"Oh, come on! We wanted this one in the back yard with a sprinkler"
"Don't be like one of those (profanity) women that has a kid hanging off her tit. Like some broke (expletive) that can't afford to feed 'em real food."
~"Nah. I'm gonna feed them fried chicken while we're still in the hospital"
On and on and on...
Why should I open my heart to him? Care what he thinks about our plans? Just because he's family doesn't mean I have to include him or ask his opinion. I'm not going to agree with him or change my own plans anyway.
I'm beginning to think that it's completely fine to pick and choose who I want to be close to and who I most certainly don't. That doesn't mean I can't be nice to him or talk sometimes, even laugh and visit. We're just very different and I recognize that he's not someone I would choose as a friend. It's okay to prune away, guard yourself, put up an intentional wall, as long as you also know when to take down the wall, clear your aura, and be comfortable with being your true self.
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