"But she said the wrong thing!"

Tues., Cool'ish, severe thunderstorm kept everyone awake last night

I took the kids to swim class today. Other than being rather cold after getting out of the water, the kids did well and enjoyed themselves. Right up until the last 2 min. when the chair A. was playing with squashed her little finger and cut into it a bit. The expected howling ensued and I was calming her (to good success) when a tween came over to try to help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking this kid for trying, but unfortunately, well...

Tween: Little girl, can I tell you a story?
A: um *hides face*
Tween: A few years ago I broke this wrist and it hurt so much, a lot more than just a little finger. You don't even have any blood. You're okay. You're going to have lots of things in life that are going to hurt worse than that.
A: NO! But this hurts so so so so bad!

Me: A, it's okay, yes, it hurts, this girl wants to try to help you feel better, too.

Tween leaves.

And now I get to try to help A sort through this strange thing that just happened. A keeps telling me "but she said the wrong thing! It does hurt! It's not just a little finger, it's *my* little finger and it got smooshded SO bad!" I helped her to understand that the tween meant well, and yes, your finger hurts so so bad and so did her wrist when it got broken, but she's all better now and your finger will be better soon...when we get home, we'll put some ice on it and a band-aid..."

It really got me thinking about the "one-ups" that we do and how much easier it would be just to affirm the person's pain, give comfort and assistance, than to deny that pain, to tell them they're "okay" (who the hell are we to say that?!!), and then to add insult to injury with the oh-so-common "but at least it's not this..." "I've had much worse than that..."

Why am I adding this to my Birthing blog? Because all too frequently, that's where the all in all line is drawn. I've heard it from men and women, from those who have never given birth and those who have birthed with and without pain meds. In our society, it is the ultimate "you ain't never had it *that* bad..." You know what's different about birthing pain? It is one of the very few pains that has a happy ending, a goal, a purpose that is good and wonderful and amazing.

No one with a cracked rib ever went home with anything other than some crappy meds and a paycheck's worth of doctor's bills.

If anything, let us cherish our birth stories and not use them to degrade and belittle the pain of others.