On the well-trodden Path

4/2/12 Cloudy, chilly when the wind blows, baking a chicken for family dinner tonight

How many times in the existence of the world has a woman given birth? Time and time again, without number, the billions of people alive today, then throughout all of Earth's history, each of those people born of a woman. Yet with all of those 9'ish month gestations, each was personal, sacred. It is certainly a well-trodden path; personal and intimate to the woman that experiences it.

I tested positive today on a home pregnancy test, after going beyond my "Monday deadline" of knowing I was pregnant. At that point, it was confirmation of what I already knew and was more of an afterthought. But I had pictures of both of my other kids' tests, so I didn't want to not have the picture for the baby book.

Nowadays, it's so easy to be connected, and even easier to lose connection through "connecting." Within five minutes, I had a due date (google "due date calculator") of Dec. 5, a board of women all expecting in that same month, had texted my husband at work to let him know it was definitely yes, and called my best friend to let her know. I had not seen *anyone* face to face nor their responses. I didn't feel connected spiritually to anyone through the revelation; no one hugged me or saw my face light up. There was an impersonal quality about it all. And that kind of sucks.

I get to tell my family and the world at large at week 12. That means I have no one else to tell, no one to share it with, no validation until June 5, my 32nd birthday. For me, that's 11 weeks of torture, of keeping a secret, of pretending not to be pregnant when all I want to do is shout it to the world.

In this, I will learn the secrets of To Keep (Silent). To revel in secret knowledge, to take pleasure in having a secret between just a few people. Right now it's killing me, but it will be a good lesson to learn.